Here’s a thought you never planned on having: “What’s happening on The Bachelorette this season?”
But it just so happens that all of the women in your life — your better half, your coworkers, your little sister, your pharmacist, even your grandma — are obsessed with the damn show, the 9 millionth season of which kicked off last week. And boy, would you ever look like a stand-up guy and sensitive soul in their eyes if you could somehow make it through a casual chat about JoJo Fletcher and her suitors.
Thankfully, you can do just that without ever once sitting through an episode. We’ve devised this easy cheat-sheet of pertinent phrases that’ll make you look like a Bachelor Superfan, much like the one who was eliminated last night. But you knew that already, right?
“Chad. Ugh. Amirite?”
Yes, you are so, so right. And that’s all you need to say. Guys named Chad are almost always total douchebags, and this season’s early villain is no exception. Case in point? This gem of a line he dropped on last night’s episode: “If you were to make a protein shake out of the guys that are here, it would be a bad shake.” You’ll be drunk with power when everyone groans in agreement. Drop the mic and walk away.
“No one deserved a rose this week.”
You’ll get a few arguments because “so-and-so was nice” and “what’s-his-nuts shared feelings,” but stick to your guns. 98 per cent of these guys are losers and don’t even deserve love, much less an all-important rose.
“That group date was so stupid.”
You only have a few more weeks to use this nugget before group dates are no longer a thing. For now, pepper your conversation with mentions of JoJo getting saved from a burning building and the mock proposals at ESPN’s studios. Yes, even ESPN has been corrupted by this show.
“There are some clear sociopaths this season.”
There are a number of sociopaths every season, so this comment is probably your safest bet regardless of whether it’s The Bachelor, The Bachelorette or Bachelor in Paradise that’s on. Follow this up with the Chad comment and you’re golden.
“He’s not there for the right reasons.”
This is more of a joke than anything else since it’s usually the party line of contestants that think a competitor cares more about fame than finding true love. Say this with an eyebrow raise and a knowing smile, and it’ll be parroted back to you without question.
“Isn’t he the one with the fake job title?”
Take your pick: Hipster, Canadian, Bachelor Superfan, Former Pro Quarterback… there are more synonyms for “woefully unemployed” on this show than there are poutineries in Montreal. Being Aaron Rodgers’ brother is not a job, Jordan!
“The Canadian is so embarrassing.”
It pains us to say this, but Canadian contestant Daniel has been acting like a total Chad already. Aside from getting drunk and naked in the pool on the first night — not to mention dropping a lame “Damn Daniel” joke — he’s been following Chad around like a lost puppy. Someone needs to start a petition to officially revoke his citizenship.