We’ll tell you, if you give us your keys. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s go through your options. Drinking water? It’ll rehydrate you, but won’t lower your blood-alcohol, which is what you’re after. Coffee? It’ll make you feel alert, but won’t make you any less impaired. Eating? It can slow down your absorption of booze, but once alcohol’s in your system, it’s ineffective. The only way to sober up isn’t fast — sleep it off, pal.