Her Position: Dominatrix

Delving into the deep dark world of dominatrixes isn’t as intimidating as one might think. And it isn’t as easy, either. It took several calls and emails to dominatrixes around the city before Mistress Eva agreed to meet for a casual coffee (whips and chains weren’t part of the deal). Standing almost six feet tall—without the enormous heels she sometimes wears, at a client’s request of course—with long blonde hair and features I can only describe as luscious, Mistress Eva is a true purveyor of kink.

“Once I know the ground rules, I tell them to shut the fuck up.”

Self-employed with a ‘dungeon’ in her own home—“If you want to see it, that will cost you”—she has been dominating men and the occasional woman for close to ten years. She developed a knack for spanking, scarring and humiliating after recognizing a “lifelong love of kink” that started in her early teens. Now, she charges by the hour and offers an a la carte menu of explicit BDSM (bondage, discipline and sadomasochism) practices and makes sure that every client leaves happy…painfully so.

“Consent is at the forefront of the business,” Mistress Eva says. “Communication is key. I have to know upfront exactly what someone likes and dislikes, what they’re okay with and what they’d rather not have happen. I’ll outline what I think they’ll be into and they give me absolute and resounding consent. Once I know the ground rules, I tell them to shut the fuck up.”

The profession of the dominatrix goes back as far as the 1590s where it was offered in brothels as a specialized flagellation act that cost a little extra. By the early 19th century, establishments called Houses of Discipline began to pop up, catering o men with subordination fantasies. One of the most famous ‘female flagellant’ was thought to be Theresa Berkley, who operated an establishment in London, who was known to dole out her punishments using whips, canes and even a pulley system that would lift her clients right off the floor.

Mistress Eva doesn’t advertise her services anymore. Once she built a small devoted client base, she would only take on new customers if they came by way of word-of-mouth. Which is how I found her —a friend of a friend enjoys her brand of company—and sitting across from her, it’s not hard to see why she has no issues maintaining her popularity. Whenever a client mentions hiding their desires from a sexual partner, she counsels them on bringing them to the surface.

“Not everyone is into it but how will you know until you ask? You have to ease into the subject with your partner,” she says. “Let them know it’s something you’d like to try. It’s about moderation; you’re not going to suggest whips and chains right off the bat. Light spanking or slapping is a good way to introduce it into the bedroom. Go from there and don’t forget to implement a safe word. You might not be able to push them into what I do…but that’s what I’m here for.”

Back in July, the first official trailer for the low-grade, BDSM-heavy, movie-adapted-from-a-book Fifty Shades of Grey was released. The book was originally written as Twilight fan-fiction but has since emerged as its own phenomenon. Since its release the book has sold over 70 million copies in the US, has been translated into 50 languages and was number one on the New York Times Best Sellers list for 30 weeks. Based on the trailer, the movie promises to be just as smutty and explicit as the book.

I want to add a personal disclaimer here: I haven’t read the books, but I’ve heard enough arguments about the author’s writing skills to know that I had to ask a real dominatrix her thoughts. Luckily, Mistress Eva wasn’t shy on the topic.

“It was good in the sense that it opened up the possibilities of BDSM in the bedroom to a lot of housewives who absolutely devoured it,” she says. “But it was terrible in that it was horribly written and it pointed to a sordid past as a reason to want to spank someone. There was almost zero joy in it. And trust me, in my line of work, I see a lot of joy.”

I mention to Mistress Eva that I’d be interested in a lesson in bondage. She quotes me a price and I quickly rethink the decision. Her occupation is lucrative, as long as you know what you’re doing, and it doesn’t come cheap. She quotes me a price that is more than a worship session but less than a session that includes handcuffs. “But,” she says, “I can direct you towards a class in bondage.”

It turns out the class was being taught at my old stomping grounds, sex shop Come As You Are. You might remember the name from the jaw-dropping class that inspired this column’s inaugural article Things You Didn’t Know About Female Pleasure.

I signed up for a class called Tips & Tricks to Bondage and mistakenly attended alone; the point was to bring a partner to tie up. My bad. Once again in the back of the store, surrounded by dildos and strap-ons, I learned the number one rule of bondage: avoid tying anything around the neck. Gotcha.

“Ropes are the easiest way to introduce bondage into your sex life,” says Midori, our fearless instructor. “Bondage is not just about tying someone up, it’s about creativity and passion. If it’s something you’re new to, it’s beneficial to try it from both sides, as a dom and as a submissive. You’ll learn how to tie the knots faster and what’s sexy versus what’s just uncomfortable. It should be an intense sensation of constriction.”

The ropes she’s referring to range in materials from silk and rubber to nylon and leather. They can be tied in secure knots meant to suspend a person from a flat surface or as a body harness worn under clothes.

During the class, everything about consent and comfort that Mistress Eva mentioned is repeated again and again. Despite its lurid reputation domination isn’t supposed to be torture, it’s about mutual gratification as either a dominant or a submissive.

“The point with anything sexual is to experiment with a trusting, consenting partner to find what you like and don’t like,” says Midori. “It’s okay to want something a little more exciting as long as everyone involved knows what’s going to happen. You only live once, why NOT be tied up and spanked a little?”