Let’s All Have a Laugh at What Network TV Thinks We Want to Watch This Fall
The beginning of summer is great for a number of reasons: sunshine, beaches, all of the patio beers. Unfortunately, it also brings with it the darkness that is the preview of the new fall television lineup.
Every major network has a least a few brand-spankin’ new shows on the way whether we asked for them or not, and the trailers have been dropping like unseasonal hail. And while sure, a few look like they might enjoy a full season or three, most of them look, sound and feel like hot garbage. We’ve rounded up the 10 worst-looking shows hitting the airwaves next season that you should feel free to miss. As a bonus — since we’re ever the optimists — we’ve thrown in a handful of possible gems, too.
10 Shows to Ignore…
Man With A Plan (CBS)
Matt LeBlanc, my mans, you should’ve stayed in England. You killed it on that BBC show Episodes, and hosting the new Top Gear has been a good look for you. So why are you back in the US on a stale sitcom playing an older version of Joey Tribbiani who can’t handle his own kids? It’s like every sad old trope in the book mashed together. Oof.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “I’m like Johnny Cash. I fly in, I play the prison, everybody loves me and then I’m out of there. I don’t want to be the warden.”
Kevin Can Wait (CBS)
Speaking of sad old tropes, Kevin James is back at it again with another sitcom about a fat married guy who hates doing housework and acts like an ass while his wife lovingly scoffs and raises eyebrows in the background. This time, there are children.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “I’ve got the guys coming over at 11 for a little day drinking, then we’re all gonna learn how to use crossbows.”
The Great Indoors (CBS)
Speaking. Of. Sad. Old. Tropes. Joel McHale is unfortunately following up his brilliant stint on Community with a show about an outdoorsman who can’t seem to figure out millennials. Social media, emotional young people, and their emotional-support dogs. Expect to hear “You damn kids!”, “Get off my lawn!”, and “These infernal devices!” at least a dozen times an episode.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “Is the class called ‘I was born in the ’90s, wah?'”
Prison Break (FOX)
But, but, but, but…this show was over! It ended! Are there even any prisons left to break in or out of? Is this going to be an Orange Is the New Black crossover? (That, actually, would be kind of cool.) For some reason, the braintrust at FOX figured we’ve all been chomping at the bit to revisit the jailbird brothers and the (now) most useless body tattoo in the history of the world.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “We’re getting out and every one of you is crucial to that plan.”
APB (FOX)
What would happen if the city’s wealthiest man purchased a police precinct in hopes of making it better? He’d…uh…get them cool apps and drones to use, apparently. The cops are resistant at first, but wouldn’t you know it?! They slowly get onboard as millionaire man impresses them with his gadgets.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “I appreciate technology, but it doesn’t solve crimes. Cops do.”
Lethal Weapon (FOX)
Filed under “Seriously, No Thank You,” you’ll find this reboot of the Lethal Weapon franchise. Riggs is a cool dude with facial hair, an untameable mane and nothing to lose! Murtaugh is Damon Wayans, stern and too old for this shit! If this were just your run-of-the-mill cop show, it might have a chance. Desperation to be as fun as the original films will kill that chance.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “I just want to make sure there’s no one left for you to kill.” “Just me and you.”
Training Day (CBS)
Did you wish upon a star that CBS would take your favourite movie and ruin it forever? Well, guess what? They’re rebooting Training Day and it has 100 per cent less Denzel in it. Apparently, their plan was to fill the void he leaves behind with an overabundance of insufferable corniness. The crooked cop is white, the impressionable rookie is black, CBS thinks they’re up with the times and your soul is shattered because CBS ruins everything.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “Well, as a great philosopher once said: mo’ money, mo’ problems.”
Bull (CBS)
As in, “this show is complete Bull.” A young guy killed a young girl and needs to win his trial. Enter Dr. Jason Bull, a guy who…well, we’re not sure. He’s an expert in human psychology and profiles jurors, which means he can tell which ones need to hear what to acquit. If we’re being honest…we didn’t even make it through the entire trailer.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “Dr. Bull knows how they’ll vote even before they do.”
The Exorcist (FOX)
Can’t think of a premise for a TV show? Just open IMDB to the first movie title you can find and remake it. You know the story: voices in the walls, dead crows, priests, contorted girls with stringy hair. This show has the works.
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “There are things going on in the house.”
The Arrangement (E!)
If you love trashy shows, then be sure to watch this one before Tom Cruise has it cancelled. Let’s be honest: a handsome actor belongs to a weird cult and has a marriage contract drawn up for a costar he wants to be with? Hits a little too close to home, wouldn’t you agree, Xenu?
Cringe-Inducing Quote: “What if he finds out about your past?”
…and 5 That Might Be Worthwhile
Making History (FOX)
The powers that be heard our pleas to bring Happy Endings back! Unfortunately, they could only give us Adam Pally. But we’ll take it! Pally plays a schlubby loser (as always) who time travels in a duffel bag. As time travellers usually do, he screws something up and has to fix American history.
Best Line: “In the 1700s ham is pretty much like diamond-covered heroin.”
Pitch (FOX)
This show calls itself “a true story on the verge of happening,” and thanks to a little lady named Mo’ne Davis, it’s not so hard to picture anymore. A woman is called up to the MLB to pitch and, as one might imagine, the show appears fraught with doubt, anger and resilience. We’re not crying; you’re crying!
Best Line: “You do this for you, you do this for your team or you don’t do it at all.”
The Mick (FOX)
The hilarious Kaitlin Olson from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia is the star of The Mick, a show about a screwed-up (and screwball) woman enlisted to watch her jailed sister’s snobby kids. The awesome aunt that she is, she makes sure to teach them about absinthe, getting free food and getting your ass kicked.
Best Line: “Did you remember to laugh at his tiny penis?”
Frequency (CW)
We know: usually, a show that could be described as “The Lake House meets cop drama” would be joining the list at the top of this page, but something about Frequency strikes us as possibly good. Maybe we’re losing our edge? A detective uses a ham radio to talk to her late dad in 1996 as she attempts to prevent his death and possibly screw up her present.
Best Line: “You die tomorrow.”
The Good Place (NBC)
Is Kristen Bell ever not adorable and enjoyable to watch? The answer is no, obviously. Now, she’s in The Good Place, literally. Bell’s character has died and gone to heaven, but she’s not sure that it’s where she was meant to end up.
Best Line: “Somebody royally forked up. Why can’t I say fork?”
