There isn’t much reason for a Canadian publication to wade into the insanity of American political discourse. But luckily, especially with Donald Trump as a candidate, we don’t have to worry much about real political discourse. What we’re seeing — and of course we’re watching — isn’t a discussion. It’s a drunken shouting match on a subway leaving a baseball game. But the most recent Republican debate in Detroit did raise one issue that is pertinent to all men, which we at Sharp are qualified to address and answer: When is it okay for a man to talk about another man’s penis?
The background, in case this is the first article you’ve read on the Internet today: In a speech, Marco Rubio commented on the size of Trump’s hands, making an implication that men with small hands everywhere have had to deal with their whole lives. Trump, being the dignified statesman that he is, felt the need to defend his manhood on the debate stage, saying, “He referred to my hands — if they are small, something else must be small — I guarantee you there’s no problem. I guarantee you.” (It’s the repetition of his guarantee that really sells his point).
These men are involved in what amounts to a lengthy and contentious job interview. Is it odd that the length of a man’s penis was a talking point in a job interview? Probably, but that’s why we’re addressing this issue, so you don’t make the same mistake when looking to hire the best person for a job.
If we lived in a world where dicks didn’t carry any metaphoric value, the answer to the question would be simple. You could talk about it as freely as you would talk about another man’s pancreas, which is to say whenever it comes up (or, actually, in this case, mostly when it doesn’t).
But, we don’t live in that world. Penis size means something, especially to pubescent grade 7 boys, insecure men, and porn stars — which, incidentally, is the only job where one can reasonably be expected to answer a question about penis size in an interview. Porn stars, and now presidents.
Balls aren’t Trump’s problem: it’s everything else.
Thing is, to pretty much everyone else, including sexual partners, size doesn’t really matter. It’s hard to believe, but that’s what the research shows. Unless you happen to be very small, or very, very large, it’s not really a thing. Just like my pancreas isn’t really a thing (no, really, I’m diabetic; my pancreas is hardly a thing). A penis isn’t even the best shorthand for manliness. If you want to say Rubio doesn’t have the balls to be president, that might be fair game. But, you couldn’t even say that about Trump: he is the political equivalent to the metal scrotums some men hang from their pickup trucks. Balls aren’t his problem: it’s everything else.
But we’re getting sidetracked. The truth is, unless you’re a doctor, or a father having an awkward teaching moment with your son, the answer is “never.” It’s never okay to talk about another man’s penis. Because despite what size means, it is meaningless. Especially in a political race where, if they aren’t careful, the men of the GOP will get trounced by someone who doesn’t even have one.