Ever wonder why your better half is so damn obsessed with The Bachelor, in all its various manifestations? Pure garbage, right? It’s the worst. Well, not quite.
We’re here to tell you that the current season of The Bachelorette has been the most batshit, absurdist, engrossing thing on television this summer. Need proof? Look no further than last night’s gloriously sweaty, Jägermeister-scented episode, ‘The Men Tell All,’ in which all of the season’s rejects returned to confront each other by pounding on their steroid-inflamed chests and mumbling series of words that were so close to actual complete sentences that it warmed our hearts.
Since we can’t do a word-for-word recap of the entire two-hour special (unless you’d want…yes? Maybe? You in the back?? No? Fine!), we’ve collected some of the best soundbites of the night. As you might expect, most of these were said by that Chad dude you’ve been hearing so much about.
“You put more energy in trying to take Chad down than you did trying to take JoJo down.”
– Grant to Alex
Whoa, whoa, whoa. No one is trying to take her down, Grant. Check yourself.
“Chad is real like Donald Trump is real.”
We get it Evan. You’re team #ImWithHer.
“You guys are like ‘I just want to know more about JoJo’ and it’s like you don’t even know her. Get to know her before you fall in love with her.”
“You wanna fight me? I’m probably sure we probably not do that both in dress shoes. We’re both gonna fall down either way, it’s just gonna look stupid. Think about your thoughts before you say them.”
This glorious one just kept going. And yes, slipping in dress shoes will be the stupidest thing that happens here.
“Are you scared by words, bro? If you get scared by words, welcome to the real world.”
As opposed to the fake world that is silent and no words exist. Bro.
“’I’m Derek, I’m super fucking sensitive.’”
On the one hand, this isn’t the most grown up insult. On the other, Derek did cry hella tears in his car ride home.
“Your pocket square doesn’t match your shirt.”
– Chad to Derek
Oh snap! Derek is getting obliterated.
“We Lord of the Flies‘d you. We Piggy’d you.”
– Wells to Chad
Wells reads, y’all! Proving that he’s totally fine in the real world because words.
“I just want to ask her that simple question, like why….why that sequence of events.”
I think the phrasing of your question is also your answer, Chase.
“We both know that Robby broke up with his girlfriend days before filming in order to be on the show with you, and we both know that Jordan is a liar/cheater whose own older brother won’t even talk to him. I wish you the best of luck in your relationship endeavours.”
Daaaaaaaamn. Chad with the truth bombs!
“You keep saying you wanted the greatest guy…there he was.”
– Vinny’s mom
That’s right. Vinny’s. MOM. Who looks like Victoria Gotti. Not to say that we used to watch Growing Up Gotti. Awful reality TV.