According to a TV commercial I just saw, it’s already time for the Golden Globes again. That hallowed annual tradition where a bunch of well-known celebrities gather together under one roof to get obliterated on free champagne and pretend those little gold statues they’re being handed matter to them just as much as an Oscar.
And because these people are professional actors, we fall for it every time. Conveniently forgetting that being feted by the Hollywood Foreign Press Association as a “Golden Globe nominee” isn’t exactly the ironclad conveyer of quality it’s made out to be. (We see you, The Tourist for Best Picture.) See, every year there’s always at least a few names that manage to sneak onto the list that make us stop and wonder about the current going rate for a Best Supporting Actor nod. (Hello, three-time nominee Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.)
Then someone takes a selfie on-stage or roasts George Clooney or does something else meme-worthy and ha ha ha, we forget all about it until next year. But that still doesn’t make it right.
So, before you settle in to watch Jimmy Fallon giggle his way through the opening monologue Sunday night, here’s a quick look at a few of the names that’ll have people doing a double-take during this year’s ceremony. But not you. This year, you’ll be ready for them.
Ryan Reynolds for Best Actor
Yes, Reynolds deserves credit for his years of pushing to get Deadpool made (and made right), and we are 100% here for the ensuing Reynolds-aisance. But Best Actor for a role that mostly involves cracking a few self-deprecating jokes while a stunt guy in a mask does the majority of the heavy lifting? Really? We bet even Deadpool would agree that’s kinda bullshit.
Lily Collins for Best Actress
Full disclosure: I didn’t see Warren Beatty’s Old Hollywood-set love story, Rules Don’t Apply. And as far as I can tell, neither did anyone else under the age of 50. But this sure feels an awful lot like one of those classic trying-to-squeeze-a-few-more-dollars-out-of-audiences-by-tacking-“Golden Globe-nominated”-onto-the-ads nominations.
Mel Gibson for Best Director
Over Scorsese, Eastwood and/or Denis Villeneuve? Guess we’re officially all cool with Mel again, huh? Maybe Fallon can lovingly tousle his hair too.
Aaron Taylor-Johnson for Nocturnal Animals
The problem here isn’t that Taylor-Johnson wasn’t good playing a creepy redneck who terrorizes Jake Gyllenhaal and his family in Nocturnal Animals. (He was.) It’s that he wasn’t even a tenth as good as his fellow supporting actor Michael Shannon. And not only does the oversight potentially rob Shannon of any resulting Oscar momentum, more importantly, it robs us of getting to see what the current best-dressed man in Hollywood was planning on wearing to the big night. Dude’s red carpet game has been on point lately.
Tom Ford for Best Screenplay
Tom Ford is a great designer, who’s successfully made the transition to great director. And his latest, Nocturnal Animals, is a completely enthralling, sumptuously shot thriller. It’s got a number of good things going for it: an A-list cast, the cinematography, brilliant performances. But the story? Shannon summed it up best on Fallon: “It’s a movie about a woman who reads a book.” For two hours. In other words: The Godfather, it ain’t.
Jonah Hill for War Dogs
A pitch-black dark comedy about 20-something arms dealers, based off a buzzworthy Rolling Stone article? It’s easy to see why Jonah Hill took one look at War Dogs and immediately started daydreaming about his Oscar acceptance speech. And honestly, he’s pretty damn good in it. Only problem is, the rest of the movie doesn’t match up. If this was an award for “Best Performance in a Bad Movie – Musical or Comedy,” then OK, sure, fine. Hill would be an excellent choice. But it isn’t. So neither is he.
Mozart in the Jungle for Best TV Series (Again)
I know this Amazon original series won two Golden Globes last year, which pretty much guaranteed it a spot on the shortlist again in 2017. But… are we sure that this show is still running? Like, 100% sure? Just asking for a friend.
Nick Nolte for Graves
I cover TV for a living, and I have literally never heard of this show until just now. I know it’s the era of Peak TV and all, but come on, HFPA. Now you’re just messing with us.