15 Questions I Have About the Trailer for ‘A Ghost Story’

Newly-minted Oscar winner Casey Affleck is heading right back into a theatre near you. Only this time, he’ll be spending a disproportionately large amount of time hiding under a blanket. Yep.

A Ghost Story examines the aftermath of a man’s sudden death and the toll it takes on his wife (Rooney Mara) and family. Definitely not helping the healing process is the fact that the dead guy follows his wife around looking like a low-rent Halloween ghost costume — we’re talking a bedsheets with holes cut out and everything.

The first trailer for the film was just released and, yeah, we have some questions.

1. First off, a general question: why do characters in weird, artistic movies always talk so hauntingly slow? I’m not asking for Gilmore Girls speed here, but the lethargic energy right off the bat lets you know this movie is going to be a real downer.

2. This idea Mara’s character has of leaving notes to herself in every house she lives in so she can go back and read them later is borderline insane. Why would anyone allow a strange woman into their home to retrieve something OUT OF THE WALLS? What could be so important that you had to jot it down, but not so important that you didn’t take it with you?

3. Wait, no Boston accent? Is this, or is this not, a Casey Affleck film?

4. This movie looks like it’s supposed to be serious. So how did no one involved realize that the visuals of a slow-moving, bedsheets-wearing ghost would stir up more than a few giggles? Just look at the darn thing!

5. The trailer tells us that Affleck’s character dies and Mara looks radiant while identifying the body. Good for her. But what killed him?? Was it her? She seems pretty calm. Was it drugs? Look at that scraggly beard. Evidence, people.

6. How far into the movie does Affleck die? Unless he appears in a few flashbacks, fans of his special brand of mumblecore are going to be really disappointed.

7. Okay, seriously, what is the deal with this ghost? He just silently follows her, stares out of windows and looks sad when she kisses other men? That’s it? He’s not here to haunt small children, deliver a message from the unknown, or warn her about the impending arrival of three other ghosts who will teach her about greed? Nothing?

8. Why is this a movie??

9. With a title like A Ghost Story, wouldn’t you expect a little more ghostly action? Cabinet doors opening by themselves, bleeding walls, something?! What a boring afterlife it would be if we all just forlornly followed people we loved around.

10. Oh god, that’s a depressing thought. Anyone else want to lie in the fetal position for a bit?

11. Is he stuck in the house forever and ever? Is that why all he does is stare out the windows and poke at the walls?

12. What are the odds of getting a sequel where a boisterous family moves in and Affleck’s ghost has to learn to deal with their upbeat music and happy lives?

13. What does the scene where the house is being torn down mean? Did his wife finally move on (because she may or may not have killed him)? What happens after his house is gone? Does the ghost just stand on the land all angry because he used to live in a spacious home just minutes from the shops?

14. But then how would he be in fields, construction sites and buildings? Is this a movie that moves through time and shows us all the things that were on the piece of land he has to haunt until the end of time?

15. Is the ghost going to try to kill himself? Because he’s so lonely? I might need to lie down again.