Aside from simply keeping your wife happy, there’s only one reason any self-respecting man should bother watching The Bachelor: the pure, incredulous, unadulterated joy you’ll get from reading the contestants’ listed occupations.
Each season, viewers are treated to a barrage of ridiculous job titles like ‘Jumbotron Operator’, ‘Manscaper’ and ‘Pizza Entrepreneur’. On some occasions, the men (The Bachelorette is a thing too!) and women seem to just pick something completely arbitrary that they enjoy, which means we’ve seen ‘Dog Lover’, ‘Sport Fishing Enthusiast’ and ‘Martial Arts Master’ as entries as well. Every now and then, we’re blessed with a ‘Free Spirit’ thrown into the mix. One season saw a dude infamously describe himself as a ‘Pantsapreneur’, which isn’t even a word, and yet was a title he somehow lived up to on multiple weird-trouser-wearing occasions.
Last night’s 20th season premiere didn’t have quite as many snicker-worthy job titles as in years past, but still left us with a few noteworthy gems. We took the liberty of compiling and ranking the six best below.
6. Rachel, Unemployed
The only contestant to tell it like it is. And to arrive on a hoverboard. We applaud you, Rachel.
5. Shushanna, Mathematician
So, you teach math? Study it? No one knows for sure, especially since Shushanna only spoke Russian for the entirety of the episode.
4. Breanne, Nutritional Therapist
Not entirely noteworthy, but she warranted inclusion after she called bread Satan and angrily smashed an entire basketful of French loaves into the ground.
3. Maegan, Cowgirl
While she came complete with her own mini horse, she regrettably was not wearing a Stetson. Yeehaw?
2. Tiara, Chicken Enthusiast
No, this doesn’t mean that she loves eating KFC. Nor does it mean she raises chickens on a farm. Instead, it means she keeps two of them in her house as pets, kisses them incessantly, lets ’em perch on her shoulder while she brushes her teeth, and has framed pictures of them on her mantelpiece. We wish we were making this up.
1. Emily & Haley, Twins
Yep. Twins. Identical twins who almost always speak in unison. What job could they have that would be more rewarding than the sheer act of having once been a split zygote? Not one between them.