Well, the Blue Jays did it. It took until the last day of the regular season, but Toronto finally secured themselves a playoff spot in Game 162, clinching the Wild Card by taking two out of three from Boston and earning the Jays and their fans at least nine more innings of baseball. Not to mention home field advantage against the Orioles tonight.
That’s the good news. The bad? It also means we get another nine innings of being forced to listen to American commentators stumble their way through lame attempts at CanCon and hack reminders that Canadians love their hockey. Real fresh material, guys.
Luckily, tonight’s Wild Card matchup between the Jays and their AL East rivals is on TBS, which means we get to avoid Harold Reynolds and his pathological obsession with the Rogers Centre turf, for now. But that doesn’t necessarily mean we’ll be immune from more asinine colour commentary from well-meaning but clueless American announcers. And while, sure, you could just watch tonight’s game on mute, we had a much more fun idea: turn all those ridiculous “observations” into a drinking game.
So put on your Jays gear, load up at the LCBO and follow our rules below. Just be warned, if last year’s playoffs were any indication, you might not make it to the seventh-inning stretch.
Take a sip of Canada Dry ginger ale every time…
They pronounce it “ToronTo.” (We don’t want anyone getting alcohol poisoning here.)
Take a drink every time…
Anyone says the word “turf.”
They talk about our “sexy” Prime Minister.
Someone makes a joke about Canada’s “colourful” money.
They show a shot of Niagara Falls.
Any of the following foods are mentioned: Canadian bacon, maple syrup and/or poutine.
The announcers eat poutine on air.
Drake is mentioned.
Hockey’s brought up.
They slip up and call the Rogers Centre the SkyDome.
Someone makes a joke about Canadians saying “Sorry.”
Take two drinks every time…
TBS plays Justin Bieber’s “Sorry” coming out of commercial.
Drake is shown in the crowd.
Some other Canadian city is brought up completely at random.
There’s a debate about whether Jose Bautista’s epic ALDS bat flip last year was “playing the game the right way.”
They express shock and/or amazement that Canada has a Thanksgiving coming up too.
We’re reminded that Russell Martin, Dalton Pompey and Michael Saunders are all from Canada.
Someone mentions that Orioles sparkplug Michael Bourn was in the Jays’ minor league system earlier this year.
Take a shot every time…
Someone confuses the CN Tower with the Space Needle.
They talk about how “cold” Toronto is (despite the fact that it’s the exact same temperature in Baltimore right now).
Someone gives the umps a free pass for an obvious blown call, or ignores clear video replay evidence.
They openly root for the American team.
We’re reminded that the Orioles took 2-of-3 from the Jays just last week.
You’re reminded how much you miss Buck Martinez.
Drink until the tears stop rolling down your face every time…
They show a graphic of all the Jays’ impending free agents in 2017.
Chug an entire bottle of Canadian Club if…
Harold Reynolds crashes the broadcast to rail against the Rogers Centre turf again.