The 29 Most Insane Things About ‘xXx: Return of Xander Cage’

The idea of the world getting a new xXx movie in 2017 seems like one of those situations that’s way too preposterous to actually be true (you know, kind of like a Donald Trump presidency…).

After all, the franchise was pretty much left for dead after a Vin Diesel-less sequel back in 2005. But after the Fast & Furious movies proved that audiences have a seemingly endless appetite for watching Diesel do insane, physics- and logic-defying stunts, the series officially returns this weekend with xXx: Return of Xander Cage.

To catch you back up, in case you’re a little rusty on your official xXx canon: Diesel plays Cage, an X Games athlete-turned-secret agent, who’d been recruited for a new government program where the official motto is literally “Kick some ass, get the girl, and try to look dope while doing it.” Semper fi, it ain’t.

So, to celebrate the return of a franchise that’s basically the equivalent of a feature-length Mountain Dew commercial circa 2002, we’re running down a few of the most ridiculous aspects of this gloriously ridiculous movie – including, but not limited to, the fact that it even exists in the first place.

1. Its official Twitter handle is @xXxMovie. I’m not sure what’s harder to believe, that no one already had that handle, or that no one on the social media team pointed out that might be an issue for their mentions.

2. It stars Tony Jaa, Toni Collette, and… former All-Pro tight end Tony Gonzalez.

3. Gonzalez gives only the third-worst performance by a former or current professional athlete in the movie (followed by UFC’s Michael Bispring and a truly cringeworthy cameo from Neymar Jr., respectively).

4. The plot involves terrorists hijacking and bringing down the world’s spy satellites, turning them into makeshift missiles. Instead of, you know, just using all those real missiles everyone’s got.

5. No one points out how supremely dumb of an evil plan this is. Like, not even once.

6. Diesel’s Xander Cage is reintroduced “skiing” through the Dominican jungle using a pair of metal skis he rips off a satellite tower. This is barely even the fifth-most ridiculous action scene in the movie.

7. Cage then leaves his Dominican one-night stand an xXx-branded skateboard as a going-away present. (Presumably, he got the idea from Derek Jeter.)

8. At one point, Diesel literally says “Here we go again…” straight to the camera, without a hint of irony.

9. Thanks to a throwaway joke about The Avengers, the xXx franchise seems to take place in the MCU. Either that, or in the xXx universe, Samuel L. Jackson is both a Hollywood actor and an NSA program director. It’s all extremely confusing, TBH.

10. Before filming xXx: Return of Xander Cage, director D.J. Caruso’s last movie was The Disappointments Room. Which is a real, actual movie and not just where filmmakers get sent after they make a flop.

11. Donnie Yen is considerably more bad-ass in this movie than he was in Rogue One.

12. At least one female character is introduced via a lingering, leering shot of her in a bikini. (Just kidding. This part is totally believable.)

13. xXx: Return of Xander Cage shares the same cinematographer as Titanic.

14. Cage has an orgy for no discernable reason, other than so Diesel can crack a lame pun about doing “undercover work.”

15. Cage is allowed to recruit his own team of extreme! secret agents: a steely, hard-ass sniper (Ruby Rose), an acclaimed stunt driver (Rory McCann), and… a DJ (Kris Wu).

16. …Who then uses his special DJ skills to help get the team out of a jam at an all-night beach rave in the Philippines. (Again, I’m not making any of this up.)

17. Ruby Rose makes a “That’s what she said” joke, despite the fact that the year is currently 2017.

via GIPHY

18. At one point, McCann’s character pauses mid-car chase to take a selfie celebrating his 200th crash. Complete with Snapchat geofilter and balloon emojis.

19. Diesel takes out a Russian henchmen by doing a backflip on a BMX bike. This is not even close to the most insane thing he does on said bike.

20. This is: Diesel and Donnie Yen then surf-chase one another through crashing waves, after turning their bikes into jet skis with the press of a button.

21. Diesel’s character is not even momentarily phased by this. Despite the fact that, as far as I know, water skis do not come standard on most BMX bikes.

22. No one at any point shouts “Extreme!” This feels like a real missed opportunity.

23. Someone types on a computer for three seconds and locates the bad guy in five seconds. I can’t even find a restaurant on Google Maps that quickly.

24. The bad guy is revealed to be hiding out in Detroit. And this is the only thing in the entire movie that its characters find hard to believe.

25. There’s a special “high-tech” weapon that looks exactly like a pair of Nintendo Power Gloves.

26. Cage shows up to a funeral in nothing but a denim vest. Proving he’s way too extreme for conventional dress codes. In fairness though, at least it’s black denim.

27. As promised, Diesel gets the girl. (Despite the fact that Deepika Padukone has more genuine chemistry with Ruby Rose.)

28. The ending sets things up for at least one more movie. …And I’m totally down for it.

29. Seriously: as far as ridiculous, un-asked-for sequels go, this new xXx is kind of a blast.