A Fitness-Tracking Condom Is in the Works, and, Yeah, We Have Some Thoughts

Sometimes I wonder, while I’m emailing publicists, or making corrections to the next issue of Sharp in InDesign, how any work got done before technology made life so much easier. Then, my thinking spirals outward: technology hasn’t only made my work life a breeze, it’s made everything in my life completely perfect and uncomplicated.

I mean, how did people get into shape before technology tracked their steps, or corrected their improper form? How did people find partners without the reassuring safety of Tinder or Bumble? Where was the satisfying commodification of dating, the mutually agreed-upon objectification of one another based purely on six photos and a sentence or two of description? I shudder at the thought. Did people — my brave ancestors — actually go to a store to buy things? What a sad state of affairs. And yet, despite all that, there is still one very important area of life that technology hasn’t yet completely disrupted, revolutionized, and improved: sex.

But, unless this is just a clever marketing ploy (ha! When has something on the Internet ever been untrue?!), that’s finally going to change. A British condom company — cleverly named British Condoms — is preparing to launch the i.Con, the “world’s first smart condom.” Only, that’s a misnomer. They’re actually releasing a fitness tracker in the form of a cock ring. Either way, it’s going to improve your sex life. How could it not? It’s technology!

All our advances in technology (or most of them anyway) improve our lives by essentially providing a filter by which we limit interpersonal interaction. Instead of talking on the phone (annoying because you have to hear another person), we can email or tweet. Instead of striking up a conversation at the bar (gross, because rejection is possible and social cues can be confusing!), we can swipe. Even having a trainer isn’t great because they are always there, being a person, when you could just as easily be doing your squats or your jogs all by yourself.

And while technology has already provided ways for people to get off by themselves, having sex — or at least what we’ve come to understand as “good” sex — apparently involves communication. And that, especially in the context of coitus, tends to involve interacting with another person. Frustrating!

That’s the where the i.Con is really helpful. By tracking all the super important stats that combine to form an amazing lover, like number and intensity of thrusts, duration of sessions, and preferred positions, and helpfully sending them to your smartphone via an app (Hurray for Apps!), the FitBit For Your Penis will finally let you know if you’re a great lover or an amazing one — and you won’t even have to talk to your partner!

Was it good for her? It must have been! Look at how many times your thrusted! Really, what else does satisfying sex involve, other than setting records and breaking them? Nothing!

Which is why it’s notable, especially on International Women’s Day, that this is a tracker only for men. Because, duh, that’s who matters when it comes to sex: you!

Technology. We love it so much, we wish we could have sex with it. And soon, hopefully, we’ll be able to!!!