Dan Savage on Valentine’s Day Pressures, and How Social Media Is Killing the Vibe
Best-selling author, co-founder of the It Gets Better Project, and disher of weekly advice in his syndicated column Savage Love (and on his long-running podcast, Savage Lovecast), Dan Savage has long been one of the strongest voices in relationship guidance. Unlike many voices that clutter the space online, Savage’s guidance covers every facet of the space; from heteronormative relationships, to kinks, to polyamory, and the entire 2SLGBTQIA+ community, he speaks to all humans and topics with a clear lens on happy, healthy, and shame-free living.
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we took a moment to bend Savage’s ear on how V-Day has changed over the years, and how to avoid its many pitfalls for those in both new and long-standing relationships. Despite his frequently-vocalized disinterest in the holiday, who better to speak to it than someone who will, inevitably, face queries about it on a somewhat regular basis?
“I would rather be with someone who took care of me in little ways all year long than be with someone who gave me some big splashy gift once a year to compensate for what they failed to do or couldn’t be bothered to do the rest of the year.”
Dan Savage
As someone who receives requests for relationship advice constantly, have you noticed any real change to the kinds of questions you get surrounding Valentine’s Day?
I’ve hammered away at how little regard I have for Valentine’s Day — I’ve often mentioned the fact that my husband and I pretty much ignore it — which may be why I get fewer questions about it, at least compared to other sex-and-relationship advice columnists. I also don’t do shows about it, I don’t do a Valentine’s Day-themed column every year, and just generally don’t put it in people’s heads to send me V-Day-related questions. But I still get some and they’re exactly what you would expect: people stressed out in advance of the day, and people disappointed in the wake of it. People who got V-Day just right — or were happy with their partners’ efforts — obviously don’t send me questions, which may skew my perspective.
Do you think the holiday holds the same weight with the masses as it did some 20-30 years ago?
There’s more weight now than ever. We live in a world where people post their business online and all of us are prone to viewing our personal lives not as private, but as a source of content. We perform birthdays, proposals, weddings, and holidays for our followers on Instagram or TikTok. And we worry we’ll look like losers — unlovable losers — if our partners don’t come through with something amazing for us on a “big day” like V-Day that will impress our followers. Really, so many of us live our lives for the likes of strangers now.
What do you think are the driving forces behind that cultural shift?
Social media. The insidious belief — conscious for some, subconscious for others — that we’re not allowed to keep anything private. The constant jockeying for status and likes. The constant showing off, the constant performance. It’s as if the thoughtful gift doesn’t really exist or actually count until we post a photo of it online.
“If you go in for grand romantic gestures and try to outdo yourself every year, you eventually run out of bigger and grander romantic gestures.”
Dan Savage
You mentioned that you and your partner don’t give the holiday any heed. It’s just another day in the Savage house?
It is just another day. We don’t do a thing and it’s lovely. I show my husband how much I love him in a million tiny ways all year long — I just made him breakfast — and he does the same for me. I would rather be with someone who took care of me in little ways all year long than be with someone who gave me some big splashy gift once a year to compensate for what they failed to do or couldn’t be bothered to do the rest of the year. In fairness, there are people out there who do nice things for their partners all year long and then come through with the splashy gifts and grand romantic gestures on V-Day, and more power to them!
For those who still value and wish to celebrate the occasion, what do you see as the biggest missteps, and the best ways to embrace this traditionalist love-struck holiday (other than your iconic “f*** first” advice)?
Obviously, if having sex on Valentine’s Day is important to you, get that done before you go out to dinner. I have boiled this advice down to two words that fit nicely on a coffee mug or a t-shirt — both words starting with the letter “F” — but they’re not fit for print. (Or for pixels on certain websites.)
My other important piece of V-Day advice: Don’t escalate! If you want to do something on V-Day, find a small, thoughtful, symbolic gift you can come through with every year, something that will be appreciated each time you give it (their favourite chocolates, their favorite flower, their favourite lube), and give that same thing again and again. DO NOT ESCALATE. If you go in for grand romantic gestures and try to outdo yourself every year, you eventually run out of bigger and grander romantic gestures. And you don’t want your partner to think you don’t care anymore because you reached a point where you litterally couldn’t go bigger. Keep it small, thoughtful, and replicable.
What advice would you give to someone who’s freshly into a new relationship just ahead of the holiday, if they want to do/plan/gift something special to their new beloved?
Again, keep it small!
Similarly, what advice would you give to someone who’s been in their present relationship much longer, and is looking to do something special to brighten what has thus far been a pretty gloomy start to 2025?
You know when it’s ridiculously easy to get reservations in your partner’s favorite place? On February 13th or February 15th. Give your partner something small and thoughtful on the 14th and surprise them by taking them out on the 15th!
Do you have either (or both) a Valentine’s Day horror story, or a blissfully memorable Valentine’s Day story that you’re willing to share with our readers?
We’ve been conscientious objectors to V-Day for so long that I don’t have any great stories or horror stories — no highs, no lows. I did host a party on V-Day once in drag and brought a boy I was seeing with me to the party and then lost track of him during the party — I was busy hosting the show! — and wound up leaving with someone else. The next day, I got a call from the venue asking me to come and collect the boy I brought to the party, who had passed out in the greenroom sometime before or after I left with the other boy. In my defense, I was officially single — we hadn’t made it official — and the passed out boy apparently had the time of his life at that party.
Dan Savage is a best-selling author, co-founder of the It Gets Better Project, and disher of weekly advice in his syndicated column Savage Love and on his long-running podcast, Savage Lovecast. His adult, short format film festival, HUMP!, is celebrating its 20th year providing a shame- and judgement-free space for human sexuality in all its forms. Part One of the 2025 lineup screens in Toronto on the 10th of May.
