The First Trailer for ‘xXx: Return of Xander Cage’ Is Proof Your 6-Year-Old Could Write a Summer Blockbuster
Here are some real things that happen and/or are said in the first trailer for xXx: Return of Xander Cage:
- Vin Diesel skis through the jungle and performs a series of acrobatic jumps over and across various trees
- “We need people with the skills and the attitude to take on threats we don’t even know exist.”
- FC Barcelona forward Neymar strikes a napkin holder across a Chinese restaurant
- Tony Jaa does a front flip, kicks a dude off his motorcycle, lands on said motorcycle, and drives away all in one smooth motion
- “We need someone who can walk into a tornado, and come out on the other side like it was a damn gentle breeze.”
- Vin Diesel skateboards across the side of a pickup truck, and then narrowly avoids getting crushed by a garbage truck
- “Kick some ass, and try to look dope doing it.”
- A motorcycle chase takes place on the surface of the ocean amid heavy waves
- “Guns. Girls. Global domination. Xander Cage is back.”
If any of the above sounds at all familiar to you, it’s probably because you’ve watched your 6-year-old kid act out most of those scenes with his action figures at some point or another. Because in every respect — the casting, the stunts, the dialogue, even the production design — this is a movie that could have been, and possibly actually was, conceived by a roomful of grade schoolers.
We mean this as a compliment. If the full-length feature can sustain the batshit cornball mayhem of this 1:24 teaser, this will 1000 per cent be the most fun you’ll have at a movie theatre in 2017. Brace yourselves.
