Is your ego getting too big? Is your narcissistic personality disorder starting to bother those around you? Do you need to be cut down to size? Well, we’ve got just the thing.
Watch this video of Toronto Maple Leafs wunderkind Auston Matthews going top shelf at the tender age of 9 — we promise that by the end of it, you’ll feel like a wholly and utterly worthless sack of garbage.
Did you see that? Stings, doesn’t it? Let’s dissect just why this clip — filmed at Edmonton’s Brick Invitational Hockey Tournament 11 years ago — is so damn perturbing (to me, at least):
A) It takes place in 2006. I don’t you about you, but in 2006 I was a sedentary university student with an over-reliance on Wikipedia and a rapidly ballooning BMI due to a steady diet of shitty beer and Taco Bell. All the while, prepubescent Matthews was already out here terrorizing water bottles.
B) Matthews is still young AF today. At 19, he’s got the Calder Trophy on lock, coming off one of the greatest rookie seasons the NHL has ever seen and hands-down the best in the 100-year history of the Maple Leafs. Meanwhile, I’m in my thirties and my greatest accomplishment was getting all the stamps on a coffee shop loyalty card this one time. And the free coffee they gave me was stale.
C) Look how blistering and laser-precise that top-corner rocket is! Nine-year-old Matthews must’ve had forearms like Popeye’s. My arms are doughy like a newborn baby’s, and my hand-eye coordination is so poor I missed a high-five this morning.
D) Even as a kid, Matthews had insane self-discipline. “He’s so dedicated to nutrition, to his off-ice work, studying the game,” Matthews’ mom, Ema, once told NHL.com. “He’s our son and, as his mom, he amazes me every day.” I, on the other hand, literally vomited from eating too much last night. And my mom won’t return my calls.
E) Matthews is wearing Habs colours in this clip, which is just wrong and gross.
Do you feel like a genetically inferior oxygen thief yet? I know I do! Boy, these NHL young’uns just keep getting faster, stronger, and Übermensch-ier — and I just keep getting fatter, weaker, and older. Next season can’t come soon enough!
Oh, and just in case your self-esteem could still use a bit more chipping away at, here’s a compilation of Mitch Marner — you know, another one of those bionic Leafs prodigies — lighting it up at 10 years old. Watching it feels like one big, pride-obliterating bitchslap. Remember, the self is but an illusion.