5 Thoughts I Had While Watching That Thing That Happened in Washington Today
Today, if you had the patience and emotional stamina, you could spend the entire day reading people’s finely crafted, clickable thoughts on That Thing That Happened in Washington Today. Never mind the PR sleight of hand that was the Carrier deal, or the shallow promises he’s made to bring back America’s manufacturing jobs, the one industry that Trump has already proven remarkably successful at supporting is the Hot Take Industrial Complex. Internet writers on both sides of the political spectrum have never had so many things to have opinions on. The newly-minted president is like a one-man government subsidy for bloggers and armchair political pundits. And, since he hasn’t given up Twitter, he’s (ironically) like the Hair Club for Men: he’s not only the object of commentary, he’s a Commentator-in-Chief, too.
It was thus when he first entered the race for the White House 17 months ago, and it has remained true throughout the entire campaign and beyond. And while the Trumpian Hot Takes won’t stop now that he’s sworn in (which is good, and right, and as it should be, whether he deems disparaging/honest pieces Fake News or not), today represents a kind of morbid climax. From “It Will Never Happen,” to “Holy Shit, It Might Just Happen,” past “It Happened,” right on through to “No But Really, How Did This Happen,” today represented the culmination of all that online speculation, handwringing, and (for some, I guess) celebration: It’s happening.
One of the most difficult takeaways from Trump’s election, at least for me, was how it highlighted the powerlessness of the Media. I don’t mean to get into the debate about bubbles, or fake news, or any of that mostly because there may be nothing more irrelevant than the media questioning the relevancy of the media. But, the fact remains — none of the headline-grabbing endorsements, from The Atlantic, to Foreign Policy, to the staunchly conservative newspapers that broke with tradition to warn against Trump’s ascendancy, made one bit of difference. And yet, in the face of a demagogue, supported by opportunist politicians in Congress, the media is all we have if we’re looking for clarity and truth.
But, clarity and truth aren’t what Hot Takes are about. And so, on this day of Hot Takes, when news of the inauguration of Donald Trump is unavoidable, let’s at least provide you with some value: some Hot Take bang for your buck. Instead of writing one, well-reasoned essay about this momentous day, here are five short takes, precariously considered and hastily written. Because five is better than one. And when everyone is shouting, you need to shout at least five times louder to be heard. And because none of it matters anyway.
Hot Take #1
The Parable of the Long Hair: The Canadian Hot Take
When my older brother was 16, he started growing out his hair. Such was the fashion at the time. I was 11 and I idolized my older sibling (still do, in many ways), so I started growing my hair out, too. The problem was he had mostly gone through puberty, while I had barely set foot in puberty’s neighbourhood. He looked like a teenage boy with thrift store jeans and long, grunge-inspired hair. I looked like a little girl. Literally. I was mistaken for a girl too often for my fragile, prepubescent ego to handle. And so, with my wavy locks just brushing past my chin, I cut my hair to salvage my bourgeoning manhood. The hard lesson: I wasn’t my brother, and so I couldn’t follow his lead. I shouldn’t have even tried.
Canadians have a habit of following our Big Brother from the South. We take in so much American media, both news and pop culture, that we can often get confused about who we really are. We forget that their issues aren’t our issues. Their politics aren’t our politics. Their deeply entrenched partisanship is not our deeply entrenched partisanship. They have a look that apparently works for them, or else you’d imagine they’d try to fix it. We don’t need to try to cop that look. Which is to say, without mentioning specific parties or political actors, with all the hullabaloo in America right now, especially today with That Thing That Happened in Washington Today, we don’t need to follow their lead. Our hair — not to mention our Prime Minister’s — looks pretty good as is.
Hot Take #2
Projection Is as Useless as It Is Inevitable: The Liberal, Apologetic Hot Take
In the days leading up to the That Thing That Happened in Washington Today, a lot has been written about President Obama’s behaviour. The folks who are frightened by his successor have been almost dismayed by Obama’s relentless optimism, his refusal to match their anger and disappointment. And while, depending on your politics, it probably would have been more inspiring to see him — the first African-American president — welcome another boundary-shattering president into the House he occupied with dignity for the past eight years, there’s a certain narrative consistency in him leaving the Presidency as he came into it: displaying and encouraging hope, even in the face of shocking doubt.
Because I am the way I am, it’s hard for me — and to be clear, I’m no presidential scholar — to buy Obama’s optimism. I admire it, but assume it’s a calculated compromise for the good of the nation. Inside, I wager, he feels nothing but sorrow for the American People. But, see, that’s projection. I don’t really know what President Obama is thinking.
Likewise, one of the major subjects in all the Hot Takes that brought us here has been Donald Trump’s motivation, thoughts, interior life. The difficulty with Trump — because he seems, as a character, to be pretty flat and one-dimensional, someone not prone to self-reflection — is that we assign him motivations and thoughts that are based almost exclusively on our own experiences. He’s just a vain bully, a childish idiot who stumbled onto a message that resonated with an angry, easily duped, probably racist electorate, or a sinister manipulator who understands that a tweet, if it induces enough face-palms, can distract people from his actual agenda…or any other number of interpretations.
Trump doesn’t give people a lot to work with. His answers are always vague, often untrue, and frustrating. But, still, without normalizing any of his unseemly behaviour or embarrassing inexperience, I have to think that deciding he is only one thing before he proves it with his actions is unhelpful.
I don’t know how to understand him without projection, nor am I advocating that people forget what he has said or done or bragged about in the past. I just think putting him in a box is counterproductive to government, not to mention a good way to be duped. After all, projection on the part of millions of people, is how he got to where is now.
Hot Take #3
That Speech Will Ruin Disney World: The Hyper-Specific Hot Take
I couldn’t watch Trump give his speech, and not only because I happened to be writing this nonsense. Watching the man talk always leaves me feeling angry and dismayed. But, I did read his speech, and I made sure to add aggressive sniffing into how I read it. You know, to keep it authentic.
Based on his speech, Trump’s inauguration appears to be the first scene in an apocalyptic movie. I think even Trump might agree with that characterization, only he’d cast himself — did cast himself — as the hero to stand against the tides of doom and devastation. For those who aren’t supporters, it read like the rumblings of those tides — bland language that masks some dystopian horror he’ll usher in. Darth Sidious thinly disguised as General Palpatine.
But, mostly, it lacked an uplifting soundbyte. And Trump, whose campaign was based on anger and frustration and unspecific promises, desperately needs some good, non-partisan clips, if for no other reason than the fact that his robot in Disney World’s Hall of Presidents is going to seem really, really out of place.
But maybe that’s how it should be.
Hot Take #4
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO GET BETTER AND GREAT!
When you’re hunting for clicks, the more counterintuitive the better. No one shares or hate-posts reasoned, researched, nuanced pieces of writing. They want hyperbole, and they want contrarianism. It can seem like a race, not to the bottom, but to the most surprising. The bigger the prediction, the bolder the stance, the less likely it will come true, but the more likely it will feel true to some social-media-savvy swath of the population.
So here’s a Hot Take to comfort and enrage: Trump is going to bring about unprecedented prosperity and joy, to all American people.
And not because he’ll follow through on promises. Ha. No. And not because his behaviour will inspire unity in the Left, which will change politics as we know it. Nope. Nope. Nope.
He’ll make everything great again because…he’s part of a secret cabal of magnanimous geniuses that have identified the problems with our world, and in their wisdom, have set in motion a plan to rescue us all from ourselves. Think about it: If Hillary had won, Washington would remain full of obstructionism and partisan vitriol. But The Ones Who Know, understand that Trump’s base will never leave him. Just look at how they’ve rejected standard conservative principles, like Free Trade and a healthy suspicion of Russia, because Trump has. And so, his people will force Congress to follow their leader. And pretty soon, that leader will swing wildly, ushering in law after law that Democrats already agree with and Republicans can’t not support. Yes, Donald Trump is a puppet, but not to Russian or business interests. He’s a puppet to reason and unity. Just wait and see. No other politician would be able to pull this off. This is the only way…
Hot Take #5
Fuck It
We could talk about the superficial stuff from The Thing That Happened in Washington Today — like, we could do a power ranking of the best-dressed living presidents. Or, rate the entertainment provided in today’s celebration and compare it to the poems of inaugurations past. Or, we could make a drinking game out of the proceedings (take one shot every time someone relies on unearned nostalgia to justify their position). But, in the end, during this time of change and uncertainty, are any of those highly clickable things important? Would they help?
You know what would? This trailer for Logan. That flick is going to be dope.
