Thanksgiving Dinner, Ranked

Colin Rabyniuk October 7, 2016

That Thanksgiving is great should not be controversial. In the pantheon of Western holidays, Thanksgiving is surely at or very near the top. Better than New Year’s, Halloween, Easter, and Labour Day. Christmas, perhaps, with its gifts and sweets and extended wonderfulness, is the only holiday ahead of this weekend’s festivities.

(Growing up in an evangelical household has greatly limited my exposure to other cultural traditions and holidays, so, um, that is a thing! Sorry, Chinese New Year, Diwali, etc.)

Thanksgiving is a simple holiday built mostly around food, with, for better or worse, a healthy portion of family mixed in. If you’re American, then I guess there’s some football but, whatever. In Canada, with the day set firmly on the second Monday in October, it is a confirmation of the changing leaves, the beginning of sweater weather and the arrival of the Fall TV schedule. And it is perfect.

It is also deeply personal. One colleague implored me to include that Thanksgiving dinner is best eaten with everything together, all at once, presumably in one giant gulp. And you know what? While I prefer not to inhale my dinner, I cannot find fault with her own approach.

Undeniably Thanksgiving is something greater than the sum of its parts, with each dish adding to the other. Not all dishes, though, are created equal. Brussel sprouts are clearly inferior to mashed potatoes. What we are attempting here is to definitively rank the Thanksgiving staples, for science and for LOLs. And from what I can tell, no one has attempted this kind of rigorous analysis, which furthermore adds to the LOLs.

Here is the list:

1. Turkey

The contrarian in me seriously considered putting stuffing here, but no, Thanksgiving is turkey’s show. Obviously turkey takes the number one spot. Let me put it this way: I am vegetarian, but will be definitely making an exception this weekend.

Not originally part of the Thanksgiving day lineup, turkey has become central to the modern menu. You could break from tradition with, say, a chicken or a roast, maybe a nice pork loin, but you would be wrong. To do so is to diminish the primacy of Thanksgiving dinner itself, reducing it down to the level of a simple Canada Day barbecue. I implore you, dear reader, and my wonderful mother, to not mess with success.

2. Stuffing

Listen, I have no problem if you do not like stuffing. In fact, I even encourage it. While, yes, there may be something deeply disturbed about you, ultimately your perversion just means more stuffing for me. Fantastic.

3. Gravy

The reason this holiday exists. Moving on.

4. Salad

The office collectively scoffed when I pitched salad as a vital Thanksgiving accompaniment. And sure, I get that. While the Rabyniuk Thanksgiving Salad is fantastic, it is, more specifically, nothing amazing. Leafy greens, mandarin oranges, sliced red onion and roasted, slivered almonds with a balsamic and red wine vinegar dressing. Sure. My mom, though, has this recipe card marked with a small reminder that this is my oldest brother Andrew’s favourite. When I asked her about the salad for the sake of this article, she said “Now I can add, ‘Colin’s too.'” Aw.

It is not so much the salad, but what the salad represents: a holiday tradition, sentimental and tasty. Feel free to sub this entry out for whatever family staple you subscribe to.

5. Pumpkin Pie

The OG method of pumpkin consumption. Your basic-ass lattes can suck it.

6. Mashed Potatoes

Mashed potatoes are, essentially, the Roberto Luongo of Thanksgiving dishes — generally excellent, occasionally horrific. It is this kind of year-to-year variability that drops Thanksgiving’s starch-in-chief down a few spots.

Also, for the record, mashed is the only acceptable form of turkey day potato dish.

7. Brussels Sprouts

To be sure, brussels sprouts have their fair share of haters. Few dishes, though, are so markedly improved by even the most marginal amount of planning and creativity. A great brussels spout can be phenomenal. A bad brussels sprout is merely okay.

8. Dinner Rolls

Bread, amirite?

9. Turnip Mash

For when you need to stuff your face with something warm and fluffy but are tapped out of potatoes.

10. Apple Pie

While not necessarily a Thanksgiving staple, I understand why someone would include it in the dessert rotation. Heated up though, obviously.

11. Leftover Turkey

In the form of a sandwich, with some mayo and onion, leftover turkey might actually be better than its oven-fresh brethren.

12. Cranberries

Full disclosure: I don’t think I’ve ever had Thanksgiving cranberries. I am so utterly confused by the cranberry sauce, though. What function do they serve in the Thanksgiving dinner oeuvre?