Anthony Davis Had a Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Night in Toronto
Are you having a bad day? Does it feel like the universe is actively peeing in your cornflakes? Did you put your foot in your mouth in a meeting? Drop your phone in the toilet? Throw your back out running? Rear-end your boss’ Benz in the parking lot? Scare off a Tinder prospect? Forget your wife’s birthday?
Well buck up, friend. It could be worse. Way worse. You could be having the flaming rubbish heap of a day Anthony Davis had when his New Orleans Pelicans faced the Toronto Raptors on Tuesday.
Davis, one of basketball’s most talented power forwards, an MVP candidate, and the eight-best player in the NBA (according to Sports Illustrated, whose judgement we already seriously question), failed in resplendent, hair-raising, life-altering fashion during the game. Again and again and again. It was an absolute joy to witness.
Exhibit A: This heartbreaking dunk fail of staggering genius.
Early in the third quarter, amid a tear that saw the Raps turn a 14-point deficit into a three-point lead, Davis tries to play it all slick, swerving around Lucas Nogueira and going for a powerful one-handed dunk — only to get stuffed by the rim and come crashing down, back-first, onto the court. This is a beautiful catastrophe. It’s a scorching NASA satellite careering gloriously and ferociously into the Pacific Ocean.
Later in the third, as the two players get matched up, Powell spots an opening back toward the lane and throws down a filthy, nasty, repugnant slam over (who was once believed to be the impenetrable) Davis. What’s more, it’s a one-handed dunk — like the one Davis attempted and miserably miscarried just minutes earlier. A public shaming of the rudest variety. Is it National Bullying Awareness week yet?
Exhibit C: The pièce de shit-istance.
Well into overtime, the Raps and Pels neck-and-neck, The Brow tries to pull through in the clutch for his team, letting out an audible battle cry and attempting a mighty one-handed dunk (again!) over Jonas Valanciunas. He winds up getting rejected by the rim (AGAIN!) — so comically you can almost hear the Looney Tunes boing sound — before dragging JV down with him. The look on JV’s face says it all: dude, WTF, get your shit together. He’s got a point, Anthony. Get your shit together, in, say, a briefcase or attaché, so it’s all together.
The Raps went on to win the game 108-106. Davis was a pitiful 4-for-18 from the field. We’ve got exclusive leaked footage of him later that night retiring to his bedroom.
And you thought you had problems! In the words of one of the great thinkers of our time, it’s not so bad. Unless you’re Anthony Davis. Then it’s a goddamn shitshow.
